Finding William … questions unanswered.

So here’s some tea,

People who have impacted your life never truly leave you. My grandfather was that person, Mr William C. Lockhart also known as Papa Billy. I may not have him here with me anymore but his memory always lingers. It’s been about 5 years since he has passed away but recently I’ve been having dreams about him. You know I always got to clarify with you before you continue reading. This isn’t a post of me breaking down and interrupting the dream because to be honest there was nothing shock worthy about it. He sat across from me at his kitchen table wearing his favourite turquoise t shirt with a grin on his face while we shared some wafers cookies. I don’t recall what we talked about or for how long but it felt good; it felt like home. I can’t put into words how nice it was to hear his voice and his sarcastic humour. Oh how I miss it so much…. It was the best dream and one of the most incredible sleeps I have had in a while.

For the past few days all I could think about was how I knew so much about him but nothing at the same time. I knew his likes and dislikes, funny army stories and that fact his sister sent him a birthday card every year which somehow always pissed him off. He was a man that was content with solitude, so when my brothers and I came along we brought a little chaos to his life. We worn him down and eventually he couldn’t get enough of us. Not to mention he was the smartest man I knew and he didn’t even finish school. Its crazy how the older generation had this wisdom and knowledge about them.. probably because they actually lived, read books and newspapers instead of being consumed by technology.

I got a bit side tracked there but I could list the things I knew about him but there are so many questions I wish I asked….

How did your first wife Gloria die? What was she like?

Why did you hate your father so much?

Where did the distinct ring come from?

Were you a Freemason? What does that even mean?

When did your parents come over from Scotland?

What made your goulash taste so good?

Why didn’t you have any kids? (my mom is his step kid second marriage)

Tell me about your childhood!

All the things I wish I knew…

I searched and searched to maybe find something I never knew before. It’s not as easy researching about a man born in 1925.

Have you ever felt that way? Not getting the chance to find more about a loved one before it was too late.

My mom and I are working on her childhood stories, therefore when Olessia and any other future grandchildren are older they will never have to wonder the answers to their questions.

The searching and wondering about him doesn’t take away from my memory of him. I will always remember his sweet way of kicking us out his house. He would sing ‘Hit the road Jack’ by Ray Charles, which always made us laugh but it was his way of telling us to get lost.

He was a special kind of something. As you can tell I like to write, so I actually started a bunch of little kiddie stories mainly for my daughter and my future nieces and nephews so they can hear stories of our Papa Billy…. it’s a great way to keep his memory alive. I still have unanswered questions but I guess that’s life.

Have you ever had questions about a loved one? Did you go looking? I’d love to know.

Food for thought… working mom? stay at home mom?

So here’s some tea,

A lot of women are tore between a career and motherhood. Society makes us feel like we can’t have it both ways. I know very successful women who have children and are striving in the professional world. It is hard to put a price on missing moments though. As a SAHM ( stay at home mom) right now considering heading back into the workforce thats my biggest hurdle; missing moments with my daughter. Which I know is silly but as a mom you are constantly in your head wondering how and if your decisions are benefiting your children’s life in a positive way.

Eventually I will go back to work, not because I feel like I have to but because once my daughter is in school there is nothing keeping me behind the walls of our family home. I have a degree and to be honest it would be nice to put it to some use. In addition I’ve spoken to many moms and they want their freedom. Hold up; it’s not in a bad way but they want the financial freedom to go out shopping and not worrying about the impending mortgage or bills. The freedom to create something all their own. Motherhood is hard enough but we do lose ourselves. I’ve been trying to stay consistent with my blog but as first time mom of a toddler, its draining.

I want to have an answer for people who ask me “what do I like to do other than being a mom?”

… I’m loss for words

Well I do like writing and I’m teaching myself to sew but it never feels like enough. I have so many ideas in my head that I am my own road block when it comes to achieving them.

I’m a creative person; I like to brainstorm, research and create but what should I create? Where do I start?

I want my daughter to be proud of her mother. I want her to know when it’s her time for her own family that she can have it both ways. No matter if it’s creating something all her own or trailblazer in the business world.

Some women are drawn to their callings in life, May that be a career or a SAHM but never feel like you have to limit yourself to either category. There is a million of subcategories that you can venture into and there is nothing wrong with wanting more for your family. It’s just food for thought. Women are remarkable, our plates may be full but we always go for seconds.

We are the future …

Shout out to the mamas

Shout out to the mamas:

Who are exhausted

Who need a break

Who stay at home

Who work full time

Who try to do it all

Who get overwhelmed

Who are fighting postpartum depression

Who are trying to find themselves again

Who are single mothers

Who are co-parenting

Who are trying not avoid the mommy shame

Who fail at times

Who have lost all patience

Who are fighting to lose the baby weight

Who are fighting to gain weight

Who are breastfeeding

Who are bottle feeding

Who are struggling

Who have broken down a few times

Who are in need of a girls night out

Who are dying for a good nights sleep

Who are looking for some compassion

Who are looking for some help

Who are just looking for someone to say you’re doing a good job…..

No matter what kind of mama you are, you are appreciated and loved. We love our little ones but that doesn’t mean some days aren’t harder than others. The past few weeks I’ve been having a hard time when it comes to patience. Teething on top of what I can only refer to as ‘the terrible ones?’ (I don’t even know if that’s a thing) but the tantrums are real.

I can admit this mama is exhausted, believe me when I say if you are too you’re not alone we have all been there and it’s a sign you need a break. An hour to yourself just to regain some sanity and focus. I’m thinking about jumping back into yoga, one class a week so mama can unwind, destress and be a better and less tense mama in the long run!

If you’re one of these mamas? Have you taken time to yourself? What do you do?!

Friendships after baby …

So here’s some tea,

Friendships just like relationships go through their bumps and hurdles. One bump in particular is a baby bump. Once you start having babies your friendships change. Especially if your friends aren’t at the baby point in life yet. Which there isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s not for everyone. Plus everyone has their own path and journey in life.

I, myself have never been a big partier. I would make excuses out of going out. Let’s just put it out there once again, I’m a HUGE introvert. So when I announced I was pregnant nothing changed but people’s expectations of me. People thought I should soak up my last moments before I transitioned into motherhood. I thought otherwise, I was constantly sick with my daughter so going out was hard for me. When I say sick I don’t mean one or two times. I mean three or four times a day coming out of my nose type of sick. I was constantly bailing on my friends and I felt that it made an impact on my friendships. Only until I posted a picture people finally saw how frail I was due to the morning sickness and I wasn’t milking it.

Although I was lucky enough to be pregnant around the same time as two of my friends. Therefore as my pregnancy progress they became my “go to” people I texted everyday because they understood. I didn’t feel so alone with them any ache or pain they understood and didn’t judge nor think I was complaining. Not like my other friends thought I was complaining but let’s be real no one really wants to hear that your back is throbbing everyday or your glucose test took forever.

It was eye opening though to see people’s reactions and behaviours after the birth of my daughter. It takes events in life to realize who is there for you and who isn’t. I have a few friends who still haven’t met my daughter or only seen her once. Not because of geography just because they have their own stuff going on. Which no shade or anything like that, I understand but It does hurt a bit.

One thing many people without children don’t realize is late night events aren’t easy for us. I would never say make plans around people with children because that’s ridiculous but don’t get upset if one of us or neither can attend because we have a child. I’m sorry, my daughter still relies on me for bed time plus I don’t expect someone to watch her so I can go out. Maybe when she’s older it’ll be different but not right now.

The dynamic of relationships on any level change when you enter a new phase in your life. As you see the one that took the most hits was my friendships. You learn to accept your relationships for what they are and move forward. I’m still not about to go out drinking or partying anymore but I’m okay with that. My life has steered in a new direction and I’m happy. I appreciate the friends who have stuck by me, who love my daughter like their own, who are abroad but close to our hearts and my new mommy friends.

This wasn’t to throw shade; this was more to shine light that being a mom is hard work and sometimes friendships can be affected by that too.

The dreaded sleep regression.

So here’s some tea,

One thing I didn’t know about becoming a mother was sleep regression. I thought once your child starts sleeping through the night you’re in the clear. Oh how I was wrong. In child infancy your little one will go through several sleep regressions.

A sleep regression can be described as a period of time where your baby or toddler sleeping pattern will change abruptly. These changes can include waking up at night, skipping naps or ridiculously short naps. It’s as if you have a newborn again; cognitive and developmental milestones are to blame. This can last between two to six weeks. Therefore if you’re a new parent and you think you’ve achieved the unachievable. Spoiler alert the jokes on you, it’s not over.

These regressions will pop up around these time:

Six weeks

Four months

Eight, nine and ten months (roughly)

Twelves months

Eighteen months

Two years

Tips to get through it

• Extra feedings. I know the idea of more nighttime feedings will make you cringe but it’s not forever.

• Comfort. Your baby will need it through sleep regressions. Hugs and kisses can do no wrong. I’ve read to not create bad habits such as rocking your baby to sleep and etc. But I’m not one to give you advice for that. If I’m tired and want this child to get back to sleep. I will do just about anything to get it done. Note that my little one has never used a pacifier or bottle so I’ve always been her main source of comfort.

• Seek help if the regressions last more than 6 weeks.

• White noise machine works wonders

• Earlier bed time. Naps will be missed and to avoid over tired tears, see if your little one will go down for the night earlier.

You’ll be tired and frustrated but imagine how your child feels. Put yourself in their shoes, socks or booties. They’re growing, minds are racing like crazy and now having trouble sleeping. They’ve learned something new such as crawling or walking and it’s overwhelming. Be patient it’s not forever. Pour yourself another cup of coffee and you can do this. Personally we are going through the twelve month sleep regression at the moment. Therefore Olessia is skipping naps and attached to the boob at night. I look like I was hit by a bus but it’s almost done … that’s what I keep telling myself. Until we hit the eighteen month mark and it starts all over again.

Anyone have any other sleep regression tips?Share share!

Xo

Mom Fail Friday’s – Thursday night fever no Travolta

So here’s some tea,

Moms aren’t perfect although we try so hard to be. I feel like a common mom failure we all come across is when our little ones get sick. I’ve been lucky enough to deal with only one cold within our first year, which was my fault when she was a few months old (head cold 🙁 ). So when a high fever arose I was completely taken back. I literally forgot everything I’ve known and read. It wasn’t Saturday Night Fever and there was no John Travolta dancing the night away. It was one scared momma and a baby who wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

(Fever chart in case anyone is interested)

For a little one who had a fever over the 38°C (armpit tested) she had a lot of energy. She even missed all her naps and was still my happy giggling little girl. As the night went on she began to get hotter and hotter. She normally runs hot, as in she sweats like a beast but this time it wasn’t normal. I caved and gave her a bit of baby Advil hoping it would take the edge of the fever and she could sleep it off in the night. I’m my opinion It didn’t work at all.

I don’t think I slept a wink, I was by her side with a lukewarm face cloth on her forehead and holding her little hand. Anyone who has kids you can understand the gut wrenching guilt and hatred you have for yourself when your baby is suffering and there’s nothing you can do. You feel like you’ve failed in some way. To make matters worse she woke up in the middle of the night and wanted boob. Which as a breastfeeding mother I’m accustomed too. What I’m not accustomed to is projectile milk right back at me and surprisingly I even caught one with my hands. That may sound gross and not impressive but trust me It was. At this point she couldn’t hold anything down, I was so worried because her not being able to eat could lead to dehydration.

I tried everything she wouldn’t take water or ice cubes (which are her favourite thing), it all just came right back up. I felt defeated and a failure all night, nothing I was doing was helping. I keep reading online trying to figure out if it was her molars or the vaccinations. While I was trying to find some answers it lead me to this article….

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.thestar.com/amp/life/parent/2011/12/13/mild_mmr_vaccine_reactions_fairly_common_at_12_months_study.html

Which if you don’t want to read it, it just plainly states that reactions such as fevers are normal with this vaccine. Many babies end up being taken to the hospital due to the fever because parents are at odds.

You could imagine my sigh of relief to know that it’s common and she will get through it. Olessia has been pretty clingy today, tired and the fever is still lingering but thankfully her temperature has dropped a bit. You better believe I’m still watching her at all cost. It may of felt like a huge mom fail last night but it feels rewarding to know my baby is alright and fighting through this fever with a smile.

Few things I tried

lukewarm face cloth (forehead and neck)

lukewarm bath

Baby Advil (last night)

Ice cube (for eating… would only hold it)

Water (only few sips then threw up)

Fans on

No covers

Only in diaper

Baby Tylenol (this morning)

Lots and lots of cuddles

Do you have any other fever fighting tips?! Please share!!

Xo

Mom Fail Fridays – cake smash fail

So here’s some tea,

First, let’s just put it out there in the universe that I’m not the best baker in the world. To be honest I’m not even a decent one but I attempted to bake my daughters smash cake for her first birthday. My thoughts were she was just going to make a mess and not technically eat the damn thing so it doesn’t need to be extraordinary.

(can you notice the look of disgust on her face)

Well I could of at least made it look better than that to be honest! It was a complete fail, it was leaning over and falling apart right before our eyes. I even tried holding it up with a decorative toothpick. It wasn’t hot, so that wasn’t the case. I just didn’t cut it properly and to make matters worse she didn’t even want to smash it. She literally wanted nothing to do with that thing I called a “cake”. We had to help her and teach her to dig in. What happened next was just tears …..

I don’t know if it was the cake or it was the long day of turning one.

To be honest apart of me is blaming the cake! This is a fail that I’m gong to keep trying till I get it right. On a happier note the cake ended up tasting awesome but looked like a half eaten sausage. I would fit in perfectly on the Netflix show nailed it! From here on out though I vow to be the mom to at least make a pretty looking cake for her second birthday!

Am I the only terrible baker/decorator out there?! Don’t leave me hanging!

Xo

Happy 1st Birthday Olessia!

Dear Olessia,

Before my eyes you’ve grown so fast

I knew this phase would not last

It still brings tears to my eyes to say

That my baby girl turns one today

You’re a piece of mommy

And daddy too

There is nothing I mean nothing we wouldn’t do for you

Happiest first birthday my love

You made us parents, You have not only brightened our lives you have made it worth living. From the day we took you home you’ve been a spunky, sassy and a happy little baby. Now you’re walking and babbling away. I’m only sad today because where has the time gone. Now you’re one years old and have officially turned into a toddler *Cue the violins* but you will always be my baby.

Thank you for choosing us as your parents because we are so grateful you’re our daughter. I love you more than life itself.

Mom Fail Fridays – story time from other moms!

So here’s some tea,

It’s Mom Fail Friday and instead of my fails this week I’m going to be posting a few stories some people have sent me!

“ my son has fallen off the bed so many times that we put railings up, you would think that would stop him but no. It was a challenge he graciously accepted. We eventually had to put our bed on floor to refrain from anymore visits to the emergency.”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 1

“ I can not count how many times I’ve taken a piece of dog food out of my daughters mouth. I even make sure the bowl is off the floor before I put her down. Somehow and someway she finds a kibble.”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 2

“Clearly my son watches the dog 2 much. I watched him take his diaper off and proceed to lift his leg to pee on our indoor plant. I stood there for a minute in shock. What is going on in my household!?”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 3

“ my daughter has found a way to take her diaper off. You may think that’s cute and funny until you’re wiping poop off your family room wall”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 1

Kids do the darnedest things

Hope you got a quick giggle! I’d love to hear more, sent away!!!

Xo

Women empowerment – next generation

So here’s some tea,

I’m a girl mom, that phrase shouldn’t make you think of tutus and headbands (which I might add are super cute) but it should make you think of the next kick ass generation of women.

As a mom of a little girl, I’m determined to teach her the significance and importance to raise your fellow females up. Sadly in many cultures the odds are stacked against us as women from the day we are born. I want to be able to teach my daughter to rise above the obstacles that she’ll inevitably face as a woman, if it’s in terms of a job, society and even in relationships.

Why is raising a strong, smart and powerful woman so important to me? because women like that is what this world needs.

I told someone that I let my daughter be free and as crazy as she wants to be. She’s too young to do otherwise but she already has so much personality that the last thing I want to do is hinder it.

The person responded back “ You don’t hear that from many mothers often, about letting their child be wild and free”

That was how I was raised and I’m going to pass that down to my daughter. My mother has always let me be me. I use to paint cartoons on my walls and dance in the rain to Mariah Carey as if I was in some mtv music video! I even had a constant mess of books about Egypt and projects because it was my dream to be an Egyptologist (yeah clearly that didn’t happen)

I have and always will be an oddly strange wildflower in a wide open field waiting for a Dixie chick song to come on.

Remarkably that dynamic and the complete transparency with my mother allowed us to have a friendship, where her opinion matters to me rather then feeling like it was parental judgement.

Women in general are mean though, and not because we are born like that but it’s because we are taught to be. The insane idea of constantly being in this survival mode and to compete with one another is absurd. If it’s not slut shaming or body shaming, it’s belittling each other. I see it everyday if it’s not in social media it’s in our everyday lives. We all know someone right now who is tearing another girl down to satisfy her own insecurities. It’s disgusting, where is the sisterhood at?

Remember this isn’t hunger games ladies, relax. Just because you personally wouldn’t wear that or say that or even do that doesn’t make you any better of a person and them any less. I want my daughter to know when another woman falls, you give her a hand up. And when a woman finds success and happiness you in turn be happy for her. Its a feather in all of our caps as women. This world needs good people and especially good women remember that.

It’s also nice to see in the media today that there is more positive and diverse role models for little girls. I want Olessia to be comfortable in her own skin, and that any new or old societal pressures to be a certain way doesn’t hinder from the extraordinary woman she is and will become. Women are phenomenal so let’s raise the next generation of women to appreciate, support, love, assist and in all respect one other because it all starts with us.

END GIRL HATE!