In a world of Judge Judys

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So here’s some tea,
Twenty five, unmarried and pregnant; and the first thing someone asks you was this planned. As if it’s anyone’s business but they still feel the right to ask. That is one of my biggest pet peeves, does it matter? Does it change your life in any way if it was planned or not? Thought so! Pregnancy may come as a surprise for some or long answered prayer for others. For us it was a surprise but a blessing in disguise. Announcing our news to family and friends was an experience all on its own. The women.. lets just say they were and still are demons on earth. The judgement that came out of their mouths baffled me. From the idea we aren’t married or pregnant before them to even my pregnancy journey they had found an issue with. My pregnancy was hard on me, threw up constantly, couldn’t even eat due to heartburn and bruised ribs. Creating a life is a blessing but it is hard work, which many don’t quite understand. Therefore the rude looks I received when I brought up the pain I was in was appalling, you asked how I was feeling! if you didn’t want the truth don’t ask. There were many times were I wanted to pull a full on Cady in Mean Girls and jump over the table and attack my Regina George. Not to mention some people felt like I was stealing their shine, when what I was really doing was trying to stay low key and keep my food down. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more judged until the moment I found out I was pregnant.

I’m not the same woman

So here’s some tea,

I’m not the same woman…

This isn’t a post to rant nor complain but to acknowledge the fact that the woman I once was is no longer. The childless, well rested and timid girl is long gone. When I look in the mirror I don’t see the same person who use to look back at me.

Yes becoming a mother changes you in many physical ways but I want to talk about the changes I noticed that happened to me, mentally after the first year of motherhood. I was and still am what you can call an introvert. I am still quite social but I prefer solitude. I have never craved an attention or a night out in anyway. To be honest I use to make excuses out of going out to parties or clubs. Funny thing is that hasn’t changed but what has changed Is how I view myself.

My insecurities turn to security

As I look in mirrors nowadays I don’t feel the desire to put on make up anymore. I have fallen in love with naked appearance. I’m not speaking about my body but my face. For the first time I can appreciate my flawed skin, my tiny eyelashes and my bushy brows. Even the two designer eye bags that are permanently on my mug. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that my face has started to mature, fine lines are beginning to appear and I’m more than okay with that.

My hair

I don’t even feel the need to straighten out my curls anymore. I use to love to change up my looks, a few times a month but not anymore. My curls are my crown and after 26 years I am finally appreciating them. After constant heat damage and bleaching, my hair is the healthiest it’s been in a decade… a damn decade! Especially after postpartum shedding I’m leaving my hair well enough alone!!

I’ve actually been speaking with a few girlfriends who are au naturel and I’ve been getting their advice on products. It’s been refreshing and beyond helpful! I’m not going to lie to you though, I’ve been dying to try out a protective style ‘faux locs’ (fake dreadlocks). Unfortunately I’m not good at sitting still and waiting for my hair to be done plus my wild child would probably try to pull them out *insert eye roll*

(In my dreams wahhh)

My calling

The need to find my calling in life has grown. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a mom now or what. The things I wanted before my daughter was born don’t seem to matter anymore. What matters to me is finding my passion in life, trying to excel at it and to show my daughter her mom can do it all.

My patience

I have always had a pretty decent amount of patience but that has seemed to change a bit during this first year of motherhood. My patience has amplified for my child in which I try my best to remain as zen as possible. Unless I’m over tired and then it’s like go take a nap, momma needs a second (I think any mom can relate). I’ve learnt to really adjust and analyze situations where more patience’s is needed. Everyday is a new obstacle and I’m a work in progress. So noticing my shortcomings have helped me fix and discover new ways to better my patience, communication and in all my behaviour. Our children are a reflection of us and I want to teach myself and my daughter better cooping skills for any situation that is thrown at her.

My temper

I’ll say this first I will not argue, that is how I’ve always been. Arguments lead to words you can’t take back and I refuse to do that. You might think then how do you express you’re self when you’re upset. I personally wait until everything has calmed down to talk. If you have something to say to me, speak in a lower tone or not at all. Which is difficult for my 6’5 Polish boyfriend who is generally a loud ass person when he talks.

My love

This is where I’ve noticed my biggest change, is in the way I love. You never knew how much you can love someone until you have a child. Yes, you can love your pets but when you bring a child into the world it’s different. I thought I’ve always loved strong but my love towards my family I’ve created is insane.

I have changed and matured so much within the last year that the woman I once was I don’t miss. The woman I am today has so much more to live for and to love. I can say for the first time I’ve fallen in love with myself and my life. It may not be sunshine and unicorns all the time, nobodies life is but it’s my life. So I may not be the same woman but that’s okay….

Do you feel like a different woman after becoming a mother? I’d love to know!

Xo

Mom Fail Fridays – cake smash fail

So here’s some tea,

First, let’s just put it out there in the universe that I’m not the best baker in the world. To be honest I’m not even a decent one but I attempted to bake my daughters smash cake for her first birthday. My thoughts were she was just going to make a mess and not technically eat the damn thing so it doesn’t need to be extraordinary.

(can you notice the look of disgust on her face)

Well I could of at least made it look better than that to be honest! It was a complete fail, it was leaning over and falling apart right before our eyes. I even tried holding it up with a decorative toothpick. It wasn’t hot, so that wasn’t the case. I just didn’t cut it properly and to make matters worse she didn’t even want to smash it. She literally wanted nothing to do with that thing I called a “cake”. We had to help her and teach her to dig in. What happened next was just tears …..

I don’t know if it was the cake or it was the long day of turning one.

To be honest apart of me is blaming the cake! This is a fail that I’m gong to keep trying till I get it right. On a happier note the cake ended up tasting awesome but looked like a half eaten sausage. I would fit in perfectly on the Netflix show nailed it! From here on out though I vow to be the mom to at least make a pretty looking cake for her second birthday!

Am I the only terrible baker/decorator out there?! Don’t leave me hanging!

Xo

Happy 1st Birthday Olessia!

Dear Olessia,

Before my eyes you’ve grown so fast

I knew this phase would not last

It still brings tears to my eyes to say

That my baby girl turns one today

You’re a piece of mommy

And daddy too

There is nothing I mean nothing we wouldn’t do for you

Happiest first birthday my love

You made us parents, You have not only brightened our lives you have made it worth living. From the day we took you home you’ve been a spunky, sassy and a happy little baby. Now you’re walking and babbling away. I’m only sad today because where has the time gone. Now you’re one years old and have officially turned into a toddler *Cue the violins* but you will always be my baby.

Thank you for choosing us as your parents because we are so grateful you’re our daughter. I love you more than life itself.

You know you’re a mom when …

My loves I’ve had the pleasure of doing a little collabo with a fellow momma. She’s amazing and a damn well kindred spirit I tell ya!

Let her introduce herself!

“My name is Ashlee – I’m a new mom and wife with a passion for dessert, sarcasm, and fitness. My blog encompasses all of these with a few laughs thrown in as well”

Follow her if you want some great reads and a good laugh!

http://www.cookiemonstermom.com/blog

So here OUR tea all mamas can relate to,

You know you’re a mom when…

When you prefer your coffee cold.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you can yell at someone 10 times a day to quit touching their penis without having to call the police about it.

You know you’re a mom when…

When cleaning up someone else’s poop quickly becomes a norm – and you’re not bothered by it.

You know you’re a mom when…

When all you eat is your toddler’s leftovers.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you know someone’s “poop face” better than your own.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you haven’t gone to the bathroom alone in years.

You know you’re a mom when…

When having a long hot bath or shower without hearing crying is a luxury.

You know you’re a mom when…

When brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you own more yoga pants than pairs of jeans.

You know you’re a mom when…

When your hairstyle of choice is the mom-bun because you haven’t washed your hair in days.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you have petrified french fries on the floor of your car.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you have a booger sucker in your purse.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you leave the house and remember your hand held breast pump but forget your phone.

You know you’re a mom when…

When stepping on Legos doesn’t even hurt anymore.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you hide in the pantry to eat your cookies so you don’t have to share them with your kids.

You know you’re a mom when…

When 8 hours of sleep is only a fairy tale.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you get upset at people in public for not having “stroller etiquette.”

You know you’re a mom when…

When nothing irritates you more than seeing someone without kids park in the family parking spot.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you are willing to murder whoever rang the doorbell during nap time.

You know you’re a mom when…

When your free time includes folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the floors and MAYBE sitting on the couch for 5 minutes before the baby wakes up.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you’re rocking and swaying without even holding your baby.

You know you’re a mom when…

When your boobs are always out and you don’t even care anymore (breastfeeding moms)

You know you’re a mom when…

When you’ve mastered the skill of multitasking.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you wish every store had a driver thru.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you have to pretend you know what they’re babbling about

You know you’re a mom when…

The words “don’t put that in the mouth is said daily.

You know you’re a mom when…

When play dates are more like mommy dates with loads of caffeine and chit chatting about who puked on you this week.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you crave alone time but when you get it you wish your kids were there.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you have a hard time buying things for yourself but have a cart filled with stuff for your kids.

You know you’re a mom when…

When you’re child is asleep you wish they were awake but when they’re awake you wish they were sleeping.

You know you’re a mom when…

When after a long hectic day you’re still proud to be their mom.

Comment and let us know what your “You know your a mom when…”

Xo

Mom Fail Fridays – story time from other moms!

So here’s some tea,

It’s Mom Fail Friday and instead of my fails this week I’m going to be posting a few stories some people have sent me!

“ my son has fallen off the bed so many times that we put railings up, you would think that would stop him but no. It was a challenge he graciously accepted. We eventually had to put our bed on floor to refrain from anymore visits to the emergency.”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 1

“ I can not count how many times I’ve taken a piece of dog food out of my daughters mouth. I even make sure the bowl is off the floor before I put her down. Somehow and someway she finds a kibble.”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 2

“Clearly my son watches the dog 2 much. I watched him take his diaper off and proceed to lift his leg to pee on our indoor plant. I stood there for a minute in shock. What is going on in my household!?”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 3

“ my daughter has found a way to take her diaper off. You may think that’s cute and funny until you’re wiping poop off your family room wall”

⁃ anonymous, mom of 1

Kids do the darnedest things

Hope you got a quick giggle! I’d love to hear more, sent away!!!

Xo

Women empowerment – next generation

So here’s some tea,

I’m a girl mom, that phrase shouldn’t make you think of tutus and headbands (which I might add are super cute) but it should make you think of the next kick ass generation of women.

As a mom of a little girl, I’m determined to teach her the significance and importance to raise your fellow females up. Sadly in many cultures the odds are stacked against us as women from the day we are born. I want to be able to teach my daughter to rise above the obstacles that she’ll inevitably face as a woman, if it’s in terms of a job, society and even in relationships.

Why is raising a strong, smart and powerful woman so important to me? because women like that is what this world needs.

I told someone that I let my daughter be free and as crazy as she wants to be. She’s too young to do otherwise but she already has so much personality that the last thing I want to do is hinder it.

The person responded back “ You don’t hear that from many mothers often, about letting their child be wild and free”

That was how I was raised and I’m going to pass that down to my daughter. My mother has always let me be me. I use to paint cartoons on my walls and dance in the rain to Mariah Carey as if I was in some mtv music video! I even had a constant mess of books about Egypt and projects because it was my dream to be an Egyptologist (yeah clearly that didn’t happen)

I have and always will be an oddly strange wildflower in a wide open field waiting for a Dixie chick song to come on.

Remarkably that dynamic and the complete transparency with my mother allowed us to have a friendship, where her opinion matters to me rather then feeling like it was parental judgement.

Women in general are mean though, and not because we are born like that but it’s because we are taught to be. The insane idea of constantly being in this survival mode and to compete with one another is absurd. If it’s not slut shaming or body shaming, it’s belittling each other. I see it everyday if it’s not in social media it’s in our everyday lives. We all know someone right now who is tearing another girl down to satisfy her own insecurities. It’s disgusting, where is the sisterhood at?

Remember this isn’t hunger games ladies, relax. Just because you personally wouldn’t wear that or say that or even do that doesn’t make you any better of a person and them any less. I want my daughter to know when another woman falls, you give her a hand up. And when a woman finds success and happiness you in turn be happy for her. Its a feather in all of our caps as women. This world needs good people and especially good women remember that.

It’s also nice to see in the media today that there is more positive and diverse role models for little girls. I want Olessia to be comfortable in her own skin, and that any new or old societal pressures to be a certain way doesn’t hinder from the extraordinary woman she is and will become. Women are phenomenal so let’s raise the next generation of women to appreciate, support, love, assist and in all respect one other because it all starts with us.

END GIRL HATE!

Relationship after baby

So here’s some tea,

The bliss of a newborn is beautiful. There is nothing like it but what isn’t talked about is a temporary strain the new dynamic puts on your relationship. You and your significant others love for each other is amplified with this new addition to your family but the hard truth is your relationship may experience some changes during the first year.

After talking with a few girlfriends, we all have noticed our similar struggles when it comes to relationships and a new baby. The alone time for one another, your patience and your sex life takes a toll. My significant other has been so involved from the beginning, from feeding me while I was breastfeeding to taking over bath time. Although the more I got the hang of being a mom, I felt like he began to take a step back. He let me take charge and wanted me to let him know when I needed help. Which at times was overwhelming and I didn’t always want to have to ask.

I hear from friends and read online all the time that their significant others don’t help enough. Trust me I understand, we need the help! (shout out to single moms, you’re unreal)

What I’ve noticed is that not every man has that maternal instinct to pick up on a babies cues like us moms do. I’m not saying all men, so don’t bite my head off but most men don’t look at a diaper and automatically know it needs to be changed. To this day I have to say “how’s her butt?” To get him to look. It’s normal so don’t bust his balls over it.

Quality time

Alone time for one another is huge, if you can’t leave your little one with family due to some circumstances (my little one won’t take a bottle) make time for each other when your baby is asleep. If that’s snuggling up to watch a movie or sneak in a late night snack together so be it, it’s still quality time. And If you can leave your little one with family, go to dinner and a movie. You deserve a date night!

Patience

As a mother, if you’re sleep deprived and longing for a shower trust me your patience for any crap is limited. You don’t want to have a competition who is more tired nor do you want to hear “what did you do all day”. We may be short tempered in the first year because of all our pesky postpartum hormones and the fact we are looking after a baby all day long. Babies who are physically and mentally growing at an horrifyingly fast rate and that are constantly keeping us on our toes. So if dinner is late and the wash isn’t done, don’t make a comment. Just surprise us and bring home pizza and some cheesy bread (please and thanks)

No doubt you will get into a few arguments Don’t worry everyone goes through it, it’s a huge adjustment. Just keep the line of communication open, because expecting someone to do something rather than just asking is where most problems start.

Sex life

I won’t get too into this but oh how that changes. When I talk about being sleep deprived, I’m saying the energy to hop on each other like you did before decreases a bit. I’m not saying sex is completely eliminated because it’s not. It’s just not as frequent…. but you still want to be wanted. It’s a real catch 22 if you ask me.

In all your relationship may hit a dry patch during your first year. You guys are having to figure out how to become parents, agreeing on parenting techniques and keeping a little person alive and well. Also not forgetting the people you fell in love with. There will be fights out of frustration, exhaustion and all together anything. A baby is hard work and will test your relationship. Be a team, that’s the only way you’ll get through parenthood with some sanity. Maybe just maybe when you reach a state of contentment, you’ll be crazy enough to want to add another bundle of joy to your tiny circus and do it all over again.

Xo

Mom Fail Fridays – She’ll do it without a diaper.

So here’s some tea,

Oh diaper changes! Is it me or are they becoming worse the older your baby gets? I miss the days when my precious little baby would lay there awaiting for her bum to be changed. Now it’s like trying to tame a Tasmanian devil, who is flipping and squirming to get free. Sad to say but it has officially turned into a game and I’m always the loser. I’m convinced she’s like “Let’s see how frustrated momma will get before she has to strap me down”

(Baby powder everywhere like normal)

It has come to a point where the changing table is no longer used. The new designated diaper station is our bed or the floor.

Enough rambling and let’s get to my fail of this week. The past week Olessia has been fighting a little diaper rash. All four of her pesky molars have erupted as well so she’s kind of been a mess.

After diaper changes I’ve been letting her bum air dry, let’s just say she’s taking full advantage of that. I’m not talking about pee everywhere, oh how I wish it was. My little nudist walked over to me, made eye contact and began to explode.. all over the floor. Yes that’s right poop, everywhere. All I could think was really you have to look me dead in the eye to do this!

Once … okay I understand, maybe the cool breeze against your tush feels nice. Twice, now you’re pushing it but three times. I can’t blame anyone but myself now. You’d think I’d learn after the first time! You also might think she’s eating solids, it’s a quick pick up stop whining. Think again it’s teething poop which means a watery clumpy mess.

Nothing like cleaning poop off your hardwood floors several times a week then having to sanitize! Note to self always keep a diaper in your back pocket.

I never thought I would talk about human excrements as much as I do. Welcome to motherhood!

I know I’m not the only mom out here dealing with a stinky little tushy! Don’t be embarrassed it’s all for shits and giggles.

Xo

Showering is a luxury

So here’s some tea,

Were you lucky enough to take a shower before dinner time? I envy you. After becoming a mother I didn’t realize how small things such as showering becomes a luxury. You may laugh but I’m serious certain things are not easy or possible to do with a little one around. When they are small enough to be in a bouncer, yes then you can shower but if they’re walking around and active like my little one, it’s insanely hard.

Let’s be real I’m lucky enough to be clothed everyday! (welcome to motherhood, pants not included) Society has put so much pressure on moms to be this idealistic trophy wife. I’m over here aiming for that participation award type of wifey. I came,I saw, I did decent! Eventually I came to realize quick that the idea of becoming this showered, face beat, dressed to the nine and ‘I use the washroom alone’ type of mom wasn’t realistic.

Looking back I took for granted my regular showers and my weekly bubble baths; where I’d have a Guinness and a good book. Now I have five minute showers hearing phantom cries, followed by being bombarded at the door before I can put on a bra. I’ve become very accustomed to being a grease ball, that being said I still beg for a shower by the time my significant other gets home.

Although it still baffles me how men will take a hour on the toilet. I’m jealous, I have to make it quick because my little one is either making a mess of the toilet paper or wanting to climb all over me. A friend and I joke all the time that in our next life we are coming back as a dads!

Another luxury for moms is getting to eat your food without it getting cold or having to share. Yes sharing is caring (blah blah blah) but really if I hand it to her she’s just going to throw it on the floor. Let momma put it to some good use, so she can keep up with you!

On a daily basis if I’m able to clean up, keep little one on a schedule and also make dinner it’s a win. All those other stuff such as showers, make up, dressing nicely and even sleep are the least of my concern. My names Martikka and I’m a hot mess momma!

Are you a hot mess momma? What luxuries do you miss? Tell me! Tell me!

Ethnicity – I am biracial

So here’s some tea,

I am a product of a biracial couple; my mother is Canadian with Irish descent and my father was born and raised in Jamaica. I resemble my mother but have a lot of my father’s features. Such as the caramel complexion, curly hair and dermatosis papulosa nigra (small black or brown moles on the neck and face)

Growing up in Toronto, ethnicity was never brought it. Maybe because no one cared but when we moved out of the city to the suburbs I could tell there was a divide. I’m not speaking in terms of segregation but you can tell everyone was a bit more inclined to know your background there. I was too dark to be considered white but too light to be considered black.

‘Light skin’ was what I was referred to as. In a strange way being biracial put you on the outs. I had many moments in which I struggled with my identity. The constant desire of wanting to touch and talk about my hair drove me up the wall. As a result I shaved my hair off (Halle Berry style) not once but twice! As India Arie said “I am not my hair” I was a person and a soul that lived within. It’s crazy to look back and realize that struggle I had.

When my father was present in our lives he would make sure we understood our culture and also that the N word was never to be used. It was not only racist but distasteful to use knowing the history behind it (10 hours of the Roots dvds made sure of that)

Therefore if anyone that’s knows me understands that if you’re Black, White, Hispanic or Asian I don’t care what you are never use that word around me. I even skip the word in hip hop and rap songs.

The older I got the more I embraced both sides of myself. But in the eyes of society I am a black woman and I am proud of that. Even in genetic testing, although I may be biracial we were told that cord blood is limited due to the mixture of our ethnic background. Crazy right!

On another note after becoming a mom myself, I never realized what my mother had to deal with when she out in public with us. She would tell me all the time no one believed we were her kids if my father wasn’t around. Many people mistaken her for the babysitter or nanny. She has always looked quite young, so I always laughed and shrugged that off until now. In recent events Ive been stopped in the grocery store to not only to tell me how cute Olessia is but to ask if she was actually mine. (Seriously … you think I’m this child chauffeur, of course she’s mine) the utter shock fills their faces when I say yes. I don’t know how I should feel….

Olessia has hazel eyes, very fair skin and golden brown hair, which is mostly straight but has a tiny curl to it. Many of her features are from her father; funny how genetics work. Her father is Polish with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Strange thing is no one ever stops him to question if Olessia belongs to him. Why me ? because of our difference in hair texture or the complexion of our skin. It’s a bit bothersome because in today’s society where pretty much everyone is biracial you’d think people’s reactions would be different.

I would never want my daughter to feel the a complexity about her ethnicity. She will know and understand all aspects of her background and here’s hoping never feels on the outs of any group because she’s an amazing little human being.

I don’t know if any of you felt this way but would love to know!

xo